The domino effect began, continued, multiplied in lives~~~~
~~~The thought of writing and telling my story begins with the adoption at 24 hours of age to an old woman who informed me, about 5 years later that she did not take me to love, she took me for a reason. It was 50 years later when I found out what the reason had been. She was a smelly old woman and knew beautifully how to break your will, not guide it. In today’s society I would have been put in a foster home and she in jail. The leather strap and the Coleman Floor furnace brought many hurtful times. My teachers were steady people who even at my very young age saw/knew/helped where they could. I grew to hate her through the years and the day I turned 18, I laughed in her ugly face and told her how much I hated her and walked out never to return to that house again. I went to the home of the Music Director in the High School from which I was graduated in 1953 and lived with them for two years.
She had a blood son and another adopted “daughter”. Ray never came to see her. In the olden days a daughter would be the one to sacrifice her life to remain unmarried and care for her parents. When Mrs. Brown (which is way too polite to call her) was on her death-bed, her son and I were called. Ray and I drove back to Salina to the hospital only to see the “other” daughter who had given up her own lifestyle for this old woman holding her head in her hands as she lay there in bed. Ray said to me, “I could not do that.” I said to him, “I WOULD not do that”. At one point I was alone in the room with her and I went over to her bed and let her know once again how much I hated her and how glad I was to know that Beulah soon would be free from her wretchedness. And I walked away. She died that night.
Music (violin, piano and organ, in that order) had been my salvation through my early years. I would take my music and my violin in to the bathroom and pretend that I had just walked on stage to a roaring applause and together with a huge orchestra I would present my music. Of course, this was different. I was there to get away from the wretch and to practise sometimes over and over again one phrase of the music. I had a four-year scholarship with every thing even clothes paid for and the freedom to live with a family just off campus at a wonderful College in Lindsborg, Kansas. I declined. I did not want to be tied down to any one, any where, ever again. The idea of ever being highly respected in the music world was washed down the drain. And furthermore, I did not care.
And with those first 18 years the only good thing that came of it was that I was saved right out of High School in 1953. The wretchedness was strongly attached to me and within was a calciumified form of hate that thrived and the wrong decisions began and the beginning of a life with many, many, many turns, twists and developments popped its head up. It all would lead to where I am, right now.
I have been over many thresholds, many decisions, many of them wrongly made and as a result the next developments were determined in life and of course from those decisions the domino effect simply continued on through my lifetime.
There are trillions of wrongs in my life and as a result those wrongs have developed into further differences. All of the wrongs in my life have caused others to make their “wrongs” and so onward the “wrongs”, the “differences”, the “decisions” have continued and multiplied in each life. WAY OFF COURSE from where each should have been in their beginning. It is funny though how people will get the idea that they are not wrong but that THEY are the “wronged” ones. But both sides of the coin are always there and the domino effect is fluently working in every life where decisions right or wrong have been made by that individual and not some one else. In reality the domino effect has compromised the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives and for me, I have had to made decisions that should have been made years and years ago but hindsight is always better than foresight. Whenever any one goes against the grain of what they SHOULD have said SHOULD have done or WOULDN’T do they have contributed to that domino effect.
As a result of all the years that now are behind me and all of the knowledge of life that I now have and realizing the wrongs that were along the way that ALL of us made, I have dealt with it at the foot of the cross because there is no place else to go. Only the Lord has been sustainable in my life. Only the Lord has forgiven any and all wrongs in my life. Only the Lord is there to nudge me onward when I don’t feel like it and life really isn’t in the habit of any hand-outs.
He is sufficient. That is all I can say. It is almost too simple to be forgiven, to be given a new opportunity to move ahead and get back on that track of Psa. 139. But it is by “faith” and faith alone that we can live – that we can walk straight – that we can see behind us where we have been and feel the Lord turn our head back around where our eyes are looking straight ahead with Eternal Life right out there in front of us.
Oh yes. It would be wonderful to have a family who thinks the world of you but when you don’t have it, you need to remember that it is only a fringe benefit in life and one can do without it. And when I look back over my life I can see why thinking the world of me would be a laughable thing to possess. Even as I write, I find myself laughing at it. I know myself faaaaaaaaaar better than any member of my family and that is why it is laughable.
But I am now Homeward Bound. Wrongs have been righted in God’s eyes and I need do nothing more but move on. Mrs. Brown was a terrible test in my life and she was the cause of many of the dents and holes that I sustained growing in those young years. And the reverberations continued on in my life for years and while that was happening, my life was in turmoil. But one does not have to bend and honor them for a lifetime.
It makes little difference how you began. What makes a difference is how you end. The Fruit of the Spirit, as its juice is made and drips over my life is sufficient for all of my attitudes, feelings and desires. And this is the road that I plan to remain on the rest of the way Home.
This ends the short segment from my life story. None else needs to be written because there are enough aggravations in life. They are the fringe benefits of Satan and he is not the one that I intend to serve.
The One who gave me life in the beginning (Psa. 139) , forgiveness along the way (John 1:9) and……….I can say with Thomas, “My Lord and My God”. THIS is where my allegiance holds………..when you have nothing else in this life, you will find that you NEED nothing else………He is ALL sufficient in every way, shape and form. Failing is not an option. Surviving was! Surviving is!!
In His Care