Loren had been Home for about six weeks when the following conversation took place.
Mildred: Dearie! How are you doing?
Me: I am numb most of the time – not thinking straight.
Mildred: (with a soft smile says) It will be better as time goes along. (She continues) You know just this week I read a funny article and knew Robert would find it funny too. I leaned over to read it to him and forgot that he was not there. (a soft smile on her face)
Me: Mildred, how long has he been Home.
(Then the bombshell)
Mildred: Oh, Dearie, it has been over 25 years but it seems like only yesterday to me.
I think if I could have fallen through the floor I would have. To think I had to spend the rest of my life having him around, but not there. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like, not being able to get away from him and not being able to touch him and talk to him. All these things wrapped up together as a part of my new unknown.
But, now………..I can. I can understand. I can sense what is going on inside of me just like Mildred talked about.
The tsunami has settled. Tears are different. Times have past. I have had to make things happen for myself. Friends – true friends – came forward and stood with me all the way, never condemning what or how I did something, realizing that it would all pass in time. But how long would “time” be.
I am able to go to the piano, sit down and play a prelude or a special number and go back to my seat and feel the love of my Lord around me, not the loss of Loren. I look forward to things now that seldom entered my mind for such a long time. How did this happen! Namely because I moved in my heart and mind, through my inner “house”. As I left each “room” of my life (house), I was able to close the door on that “room” and keep it in the warehouse filled with my memories. Each “room” of my “house” is different and does not “drip” over into the next “room”. THAT is how, for me Loren is real and close by, and yet he is with his Lord and I am alright.
I have moved and moved and moved. All just trying to find my place to perch. Trying to find a place where I could feel safe and secure, alone in the world, and where I could and would be understood. You make so many mistakes when your world is intact. But when it isn’t, you almost get lost in the shuffle of life. I have news for everyone — particularly you who are on this “journey” —-I made it through.
There is one more juncture that some may wonder about: re-marriage. Yes. I have had the opportunity. There was no way I could do such a thing. My wedding ring still circles my finger and I could never ever give my heart to another man, no matter “who” he might be. Loren told me several times, “Darling, if you ever find some one you can have fellowship with, know that you will always have my blessing.” That must have broken his heart to say. I would always be comparing another’s work with his and there is not, never was, nor could ever be any one who could satisfy me as Loren did. Never!! My heart is safe. I comfortably “like” who I am now – – where I am in life – – will do whatever the Lord presents to me in the future as He knows me best.
“The steps of a good woman are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in her way. Though she fall, she shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord upholds her with His hand.” (Psa. 37:23, 24) NKJ
Yes. Though she fall, she shall not be utterly cast down. I found this out in an abundant fashion. Only the Lord could do for me what was done way back then.
On June 18th back in 2008, it was the last night that I lovingly put Loren to bed. The next day, June 19th, he began to turn his eyes toward his Lord and he never looked back. On June 20th, it seemed as though my heart was weepingly saying, “There he goes” and the Angels on heaven’s shore were shouting, “HERE HE COMES !!!!!!!”
“I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken……” (Psa. 37:25a).
“Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears” (Psa. 34:3,4).
Always………In His Care. Marge H.
(My next and final posting will be on 6/20/2017)